i dunno why my previous post look like that hor. hahaha.

eh why do i have so few tags ar??? i know you people visit my blog k!! tag hor!! haha.

goodness. 5 sales today. or 6. cant rmb. btw, the max for today was maybe 6 or 7? so quite contented today. but i shall not compare. sometimes, i dont know whether it's luck or what. i never believed in such a thing as luck. cause all things happen for a reason. this whole thing is just very queer.

today's crowd was really very bad. i think the whole point of IT shows is quite nonsensical. people NEVER go on the first and second day. who in their right mind would. if you buy on the first/second day, it's like you're preparing yourself to be cheated. i seriously hate that. i hate treating customers like rabbits after baits too. of course, i dont do that. cut prices, i mean. cause dont have the authority to. i can say that working for this brand now is really much better than acer. acer cuts prices like nobody's business.

but anyways. my supervisor only got 2 sales today. thou what he earned equates to what i have earned in commission today, cause of the difference in commission(he's is twice more than mine for certain models) can understand that he was feeling very very pek chek. esp for someone who has worked for such a long time. and many others also did not sell much. sometimes it's due to the location of where they stand, (which im not sure matters, because someone who stood somewhere different from us also got 6 sales) , or is it just 'luck' that the wrong opportunity just presented itself at the wrong time. i know my supervisor; he's a super salesman. able to talk to people, most of the time giving true advice, (haha) able to 'charm' his way into people's hearts. not to mention that he's worked so many times that he knows everything at the back of his hands. prices, discounts, whatever. can understand how he feels when he compares himself against someone whose had like 10 sales, and has only done this once.

NEVER underestimate one's ability. someone who looks shy or demure, could be very good in sales. it works many ways. sales; this broad area; is accomodating to anyone who dares and wants to try their hand at it. and often, the unexpected happens. with regards to character and initial perspectives, that is.

very sleepy today. slept only 5 hours ytd for some reason. dunno y just couldnt sleep more. tmr and sunday are really choing le. hate this kind of thurs and fri slack, sat and sun chiong. feels really, really meaningless. i feel like creating my own IT show and holding it for 2 days only. sigh. 1 day would be too little a time.

i hate cutting prices. i hate it when companies do that. it makes people lose trust in IT show on thurs and fridays as a whole. waste manpower to stand there while people rack-ee. ok i dont know how to spell that. and it's draining on the human spirit too. to expect someone to buy, but in the end, he/she says 'just looking around'.

note: this is not how i feel. jason bribed me to do this. HAHA. XD. no lah. jason and koon cai were nice today. they came to sitex and waited for me until 10pm when i finished work to take the mrt with me. aw.. haha... XD

u know, the pple working at hp get super super low pays? basic $20, com $5 to $15 per laptop i think. and hp is not easy to sell ok. well, at least i think so? hahah. it's really more high end. im already thankful that mine is comparable to my previous one. very sure i can beat my previous record le.. haha.

anw in the mrt with jason and koon cai. my ram dropped alot le. super sleepy. jason said i zhong4 virus. LOL. then jason always very wols mah. hahaha. often stm also. nid to upgrade processor. haha. ok lame jokes. hahaha. then hor i wanted to tell them this joke i made during working. but once i thought of it i couldnt stop laughing. then jason saw me laughing, then he laugh also. i was too sleepy to laugh you know!!! but i still laughed until i stomach ache. haha. cant believe jason can laugh when he sees people laughing!!! HAHAHA!!! THAT IS SUPER HILARIOUS. ive almost never seen anyone who can laugh when people laugh. esp not my laugh; cause it's really not contagious, unlike my bro's. koon cai's face was pretty much straight while we were laughing thou. hahaha.

ok tell you guys a joke before i go to sleep. there was this poster beside our booth which says 'get ocbc rewards when you charge to your ocbc card'. then my friend asked 'where to redeem the rewards?' then i look at the poster and read the ocbc slogan. guess what it is? 'ask ocbc lor' i replied. HAAHAH. XD im such a bad joke-teller. hahahah. so i tried to tell this joke to jason and koon cai. but he said it's old joke le. LOLX. see it real life on a poster is different mah!! hahah!!!! next time a customer asks me where to redeem, I'LL TELL HIM 'ASK OCBC'. you'll realise that customers actually appreciate promoters with a sense of humour. but i cant put my finger on the exact traits which makes the 'best' salesperson. cause sometimes, 'luck' causes my hypothesis to be questioned. hahaha. XD

go sleep le. sat tmr!!! ahh!! i so totally dont have any time to rest!!! goodness me. the only time i have to rest is sleep time.. sigh. i want to be alone and think my thoughts... not be bomb barded constantly with needs and wants of customers.. sigh. 2 more days.

just these few intensive days, has taught me so much. it's like navcamp. intensive, tiring, yet fulfilling. not only because of the financial rewards. i learn alot about myself... the world.. people.. alot of things. it is true that only through suffering, then we will learn. you dont learn by getting full marks all the time for tests. you learn by making mistakes, feeling disappointed about them, and then change. it's a really sad thing; something i often cannot accept about myself; that it's human nature to make mistakes.

goodnight people. =)

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first day of sitex. i really dont know how to express all that i feel. it's like going to navcamp and coming back with a whole load of emotions i cant even express. it's happiness, disappointment, contentment, everything.

read melissa's blog. mer, i know part of it is referring to me lah. hahaha. but well. after working for a while, and getting to know the kind of people who succeed in IT shows, i realise that many of them are from ITE. no kidding. however, just because they did not succeed in conventional education, does not make them any more stupid than any one else. like my 'supervisor'. well not really my supervisor. he's also a promoter, but he's worked for like 15 shows le. so he has the authority to recruit pple. and even at the beginning, he's good at what he does. after hearing about what he does in order to clinch deals, i find myself wondering, why am i so rigid minded that i cannot conjure up these 'tricks' myself. which are not deception; it's just creativity and flexibility. is it that ive been in this education system which teaches us 'there's only one way to do things?' in a way, i feel so.

maybe it's not only the want to be independent which drove me to work. i do not feel that my efforts in studying equate to the results i get. unfortunately, i have no idea what has happened to me in poly. 252 for psle, 11 points for Os; that's still acceptable results. in fact, my psle score had effectively put me in the top 10% of the cohort. i hope im not sounding like im bragging. i have a point to make.

at the end of the day, i dunno whether it's that i have grown sick of studying, or just find that over-education hinders creativity, or whatever subconscious philosophy that my brain has managed to conjour up; the plain fact that i am not finding fulfillment or my niche in studying. hence the desire to diversify. discover things i may or may not be good at. and i have no idea why i wanted to work this time again. the previous experience was a toll on me, emotionally, mentally, physically. not forgetting to mention the friendship problems i had, which made it worse. i had just hoped for the better.

today, 1 sale only. as compared to 5 from my 'supervisor', and sales number ranging from 1 to 3 from others. maybe it does not seem like alot. maybe part of it has to do with luck. but i dont know. many of them were first timers. in a way, i feel quite inapt. i feel that i shouldnt be comparing myself against first timers; that i should maybe be comparing myself against old timers like my supervisor. he was really quite concerned about me as the day progressed; he was making steady progress in sales while i was having 0 sales all the way, until 8pm. cause he recruited me; seeing that i had worked before, so definitely there is that certain expectation. furthermore, it was he whom recommended me to his boss to employ me. i didnt know it was all that complicated. i was the last person to close my first sale in the day. heng-suay that my customer came back, maybe. i sense that my boss is not very happy with my performance. which really sucks. i hate to disappoint people. i dont mind disappointing myself. but not others.

maybe im being too hard on myself. maybe it's only the first day. maybe im giving myself excuses. maybe i need to dull-lify my brain so that i dont think so much and maybe end up going psycho. HAHA.

throughout the day, i really wondered whether i would want to work again next time. it's only because of the pressure of closing those sales which would deter me. and it can be very pressurising, if others close and you dont. it can be a good cause for losing your morale too. i constantly wonder whether im cut out for this. and im not sure what 'this' means either. it could refer to working in IT shows, or sales as a whole. if it's sales as a whole, then it would be very sad. cause sales is really a big part of our economy. haha.

then i realised something. that 99.99999999% of the branch managers in my company, or the people of authority in general, are male. it does speak volumes about the trade. maybe girls are not as cut out for this line as guys. or maybe it's just me. i dont know. i dont know alot of things still. i havent found the thing im good at yet; thou i had thought i had found it in academics. that was when i was young. it's a scary thing to have something to clutch on to; but after a while, realise that you've lost it.

i can tell you that this line sucks. especially those whereby people have to compete for commission. surely there will be an instance whereby somebody closes the deal which someone else had watered the seeds for the closure. and unfortunately, it takes a few people to talk to customers before they finally come back and get a set. and most of them really dont care who they close the sale with. as long as they get the deal. only those pro ones like my supervisor can water the seeds, airate the soil, prune the seedlings and close the deal. today one of those unfortunate instances happened. crap just happens in life. it's a wacked up world we live in.

im feeling much less tired than when i worked at comex. maybe it's cause i swam on monday. my legs arnt that tired also. and im still awake at 12.30am. haha.

maybe i love IT show. maybe i dont. there are few i can really trust; being suddenly thrown into this working world. but my supervisor is really willing to share the stuff he does with a bunch of clueless girls. and btw, there are like 12 girls and 5 guys in the team. haha. so yeah. fun for him. LOL. and we really dont speak to the other guys. so it's only our supervisor we talk to. and he feels like a friend to us. and he's only slightly older than 20.

for those who have found your niche, it's really good for you that you have. hope it stays that way for you then. unfortunately, there are many in the world who have not. or those who thought they have, but then when the rules of the game (circumstances, abilities) change, you may find that you will have to play it a different way in order to even finish it. im so philosophical. haha. but this happens when anyone is put in extreme conditions.

my parents actually want to buy a laptop for themselves thou. haha. at least im working for a brand i actually believe in this time. the previous one was no choice. my first time. but sometimes, i feel that customers can be so stupid. we KNOW that our company gives the best deals. but they still want to walk around and compare prices and brands. compare prices nvm. but dont go and compare brands lah. how can you compare hp to acer??? i dont work for hp, btw. just an example. maybe for the same specs, hp is more ex. but please. you get what you pay for. buy acer, a cheap brand which uses cheap materials, and you get loads of problems.

dont understand y pple still bring the acer brochure to us to compare. thou all of these laptops are made in china, but the standard of production is different for every brand. people should really be more aware of what they are comparing. it's like comparing an orange to an apple. one instance, whereby my friend promoted our brand to this guy, and he actually went off to buy LG instead. like... diao... LG's niche is not in laptops. want to buy laptop, buy a brand which has a proven track record. he just shot himself in the foot. but who's to judge. it's his money. haha.

crap. i just realised im able to rattle off with my supervisor about IT show, IT and the rubbish alike; while the other girls cant really do so and often are found listening to our conversation. sometimes i really dont know what to do. shut up and let this cold silence fill the air? you know how guys have this communication barrier with girls. either girls talk about IT with them, or guys suan girls and that's their form of communication. for alot of guys, it seems like IT is their life. LOL. and maybe occasionally they'll talk about relationships. or they'll bitch about others. HAHA.

dont feel like working tmr. just getting this feeling that it will take too long to work out. each day im just trying and trying. trying to find a way out. trying to find something im good at; so that i can be a little contented with myself. not that im insecure or what. but it's scary to graduate with a mere business diploma and not be able to get into uni. in a way, im trying to diversify myself. but not pressurising myself in it thou. life is a pool of mixed feelings. i find each day getting more and more complicated. situations and circumstances change. it's tiring to keep up.

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HAHAH got this from junhao's blog. XD HOW TO HACK A COKE MACHINE.

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what the crap am i doing online when i should be finishing my projs? LOL. apparently junhao from spic just taught me the power of google. LOLX. he found my blog within ONE SEARCH!!! gosh. BUT THERE. im giving his name more exposure to google by mentioning him so dude, you can get csi-ed more easily. HEHEEE.

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crap.. crab.. crap. the rules of the game has changed. yet again.

my life is such an interesting story. life itself is. and only those who know how to play it right with rules changing all the time, will see themselves winning.

my musing? commission proclaimed lower than before. MUCH MUCH lower. no more cutting prices. no more fish market. now, i wonder what's the deciding factor.

you pay for what you get. acer has loads of problems simply because they use cheaper materials. however, other brands which use better and hence more expensive materials, rake up higher costs. and thus we earn less. now, i'd be fortunate if i can even earn the same amount like i did previously. and previously, the number of laptops i sold was bad enough. thought this time would be better. blah.

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crs is so redundant.. so is cd for that matter... i dont think i'll mind communications for business as much as these two. haha.

watched enchanted! haha. not in the theatres thou. dont tell you where i watch. ;) haha. but i think website forms of watching movies are becoming very well-known already right? haha.

dont know why im so unforgiving of myself... cant seem to understand the fact that people make mistakes. it's like, nearly the reason why we're human. and i have to go through a thinking process lasting from a few minutes to years before i accept that i did make that mistake. i should just stop thinking so much. i realise that the amount of time i spend thinking has steadily been increasing throughout the years. with living comes mistakes, then more pondering about the mistakes. which means more time thinking. im a teacher's dream for reflection journals. lol.

my life is really boring. it's gonna get interesting soon. boy do i know it. the thing is, a part of me is dreading it. i just hope this time will be different. what am i talking about? sitex. comex was a bummer. totally not up to expectation. which is one of the reasons why i was mentally beating myself up. maybe i didnt know the rules of the game then. didnt know how things worked. then again, there were people who did well even thou it was their first time. beginner's luck? fluke shot? maybe. this time just has to be different.

why am i putting myself through this torment? when it's only a chance, not a guarantee. cause i want independence. cause even if i failed, at least i tried.

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()$)W*$)@#*%)*%)W)$@

stats for one hour before realising at 10am that SOMEONE cancelled accounts lesson. i think i will burst an artery before the school term is over.

options ranking: marketing, retail, supply chain, human resource. that's the order. doesnt really matter to me anyways. as long as i get retail or marketing. i cannot tahan human resource cause i think it's like mob all the way. which will traumatise me with all the stuff to memorise. on the other hand, if i get supply chain, i'll cry each time i touch my books. GAHHHH. retail please, in the worst case scenario.

er, the subjects taught for hr cant be found in the dba options pg. dont tell me we hv to refer to the new course as reference?

bored... no more movies to watch le... watched stardust, the bee movie, rataouille, and alot more i cant rmb. this morning was one of the early days when i hv to wake up at 7 to reach stats by 8.15. and thanks to the looong mrt journey, i found myself fantasizing about living at dover. which will totally not happen no matter how much i concentrate my mind on thinking about it and wishing for it to happen.

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wha i didnt know it's been so long since i updated. ok maybe only a few days. but im like 99% healed already. fever lasted a few hours only. now in itab; learning frontpage. so much more interesting than access can. i was thinking about taking up diploma plus in software apps, but when i saw access i immediately sian diao... hahah. and i guess c# is not fun? coding is not fun to me... if they ever get me to memorise codes i'll just faint.

i thought i'd get below 60 for my access can. neber study queries well. lolx. thank goodness that now im not half asleep. cause bernice's peer pressure made me sleep by 11. haha.

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life keeps disappointing us.. i wonder how long so i have to be disappointed.. life is never smooth.

should be cannot give tuition le bah... that's y disappointed... cause i think im still not mature enough in terms of age. oh well.

2 more weeks to sitex.. i wan to go training soon... u know hor, i tell u guys a secret... i feel very shuang when i work, cause i feel as if the laptops are ALL MINE... HAHAHAHA... can see them everyday. hahaha. XD

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went to the doc just now.. think im sick either cause of flu virus or the haze. i hate being sick.. that feeling of neither here nor there.

wanna buy but cannot leh.. 512 mb of ram where got enough.. wanna upgrade then will void warranty... have to wait until it comes to singapore before i can buy.. only cause of the warranty.. rar.

didnt sleep well at all.. kept waking up. really uncomfortable. must build up my immunity le.

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just some time ago i was complaining of being unemployed, suddenly got offers coming in.. this one's for tuition. see how.. things oso not confirmed.

my family just came back from new zealand.. they bought alot of stuff as usual. feels like i havent seen them in ages. im ok with seeing my sister. not so for the rest thou.

dunno y my nose feels so uncomfortable. like ive got something stuck up there. haha. been sneezing more than usual too. sigh. don wanna get sick pls.

assignments and stuff piling in le. if only i could get my lazy self up to do them. haha.

about the cd thing, i think it's really nothing to worry about.. no one's blaming anyone.. no one's regretting anything. im sure we will come out of it alright.

sis got into the best class in nanyang. i dunno whether im happy for her or not. she herself is dreading it. we'll see. it's not like she's super smart until she can score good grades without studying alot. she mugs like crap. i really dont wish to see her going through so much stress. but it's her life.

spse meeting for pushcart. i like my teammates. ade was like exclaiming that i act like a guy, cause my homepage is hardwarezone forums. HA.

1.5 hour journey on the bus. like always.

my thoughts are so fragmented today. maybe im just feeling sick. with a sensitive nose. ahchoo.

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goodness im very very very happy. =))) IM WORKING IN SITEX!!! WEEE!!! should be compaq. yay. =)

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FOM PRESENTATION IS SO OVERR!!!! have no idea why on earth he wants us to re-present the same things we did last time. and i screwed up. bad. didnt check through the slides properly. and was feeling really sore about it. but i guess i shall just forget it.

next one up is 30%. #()*#_)%*@#)@$. they really love presentations right?? the marking scheme is so stringent also. there's like, marks for everything you can think of. nv seen such a comprehensive marking scheme before.

to buy or not to buy??? i rarely have cravings to buy stuff unless they are necessities. one part of me tells me to wait until eee pc comes to singapore probably in time for sitex, another part of me just wants to get it NOW!!! if eee wasnt released, i would hv no choice but to stick to my 1.8kg laptop. at the same time, if i didnt view the choice of transferring to nyp as feasible, i wouldnt be feeling so sore about choosing sp.

im just really glad fom is over. i really hope the next one is less taxing, thou that's quite impossible. lets see what other presentations we hv. cd, fom, er, i cant think of any liao.

part of me feels like telling my parents "i didnt go nz with you. can give me the savings to buy my eee?" another part of me doesnt want to rely on them. and i guess i know i will choose the latter.

OH. GUESS WHAT MADE MY DAY??? after fom i was feeling moody. but still had to go to library to print the report. AND GUESS WHAT???? *drumroll* THE PRINTER IN PC ZONE 2 IS DUPLEX!!! WHICH MEANS IT PRINTS DOUBLE SIDED!!! WHICH MEANS GOOD NEWS FOR MY DEAR TREES!!! omg im such a freak. HA. i always thought sp didnt have a sense of global responsibility. at least now there's a chance. haha.

oh ya. today i was pang-seh-ed by my entire group. so i went for itab and econs myself in the morning. hahaa. then during fom, they were still at the lib, pple kept asking me 'where's your group?' HAHAHA.

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save my heart. when i came into itab, guess what she was teaching. powerpoint. i almost fainted. wake up so early. goodness. lesson learnt. always check what teacher's teaching before going lesson.

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FINALLY IVE FINISHED THAT BLOODY FOM REPORT. TOOK LIKE 4 HOURS PLUS CAN??? AHHH!!!! COW COW COW STUPID MAD COWS GIVE US THIS KIND OF STUPID PROJECT END UP ONLY 15% ZZZZZ.

ok im done ranting. i think it's the most professional report ive ever done man!!! HAHAA!! thanks to itab. wooo.

this project has astounded me in many ways. how capable and trustworthy my fellow team members are. it was one heck of a task to get this WHOLE presentation and report from NOTHING to this beautiful masterpiece. i really marvel at the human brain. woohoo.

and not forgetting.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BERNICE!! =DD

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feeling.. so... unemployed.. =/

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yay... should be working at sitex.. either compaq or acer. see how.. dunno whether to be happy or not; cause im just hoping that this time would be better than last time's.. the power of hope..

tell you guys about my experience.. cause i emailed my resume in le.. then the person called me like 7 times ytd but my phone was off. haha. then i called him back but he nv answer, so he got missed call. then finally got thru at like 12am. then talked for quite long, cause he know this person i know that person etc that kind. haha. then everything settled liao. but this morning he sent me a msg asking me who i am and what i called him for. i really got a shock and went 0.O?!?!?!! hahaha. scare me. haha. but ok everything settled..

goodness. y teachers give projects like giving water ar. but ok, ours still not as bad as built environment. they rli have ALOT ALOT of projs. crazy.

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really feel like transferring to wordpress. until i can find a script which disallows google from indexing my blog.

anw. been thinking about whether i should work at sitex. googled here and there, and memories of comex came back. yes there are some people who earn like 1k for 4 days, no kidding. but many are not that fortunate.

i shall thereby list down the things i dislike about working in IT shows.

1. greedy customers. they would keep pushing your limit for freebies or price cuts, which would eventually affect our commission.
2. exploitative customers. these are the kinds who would go to almost every stand and tell the promoters there 'this is the price i got from so and so. can you give me a better price?' then this process would continue. if you want to haggle for prices, please go to a fish market.
3. standing for long hours. this is not as bad as having to serve the above two types of customers thou.
   
4. explaining for long periods of time, then they say 'i'll think about it'. then come back and make the sale with another promoter. and your commission goes to him/her. it can be very frustrating. it sounds petty even, and in non-sales contexts, i wouldnt even bat an eyelid. i guess this is why sales sucks sometimes.
   
5. luck? how do you explain some people being at the right place, right time, serving the right customer.
   

the things i like:
1. relatively good pay
2. good exposure
3. learn alot about IT, the way IT shows work, and people.

i think the main gain is the exposure. but after having to serve those kinds of customers, it makes me want to shun away from budget consumer electronics. cause it's super competitive and people just want the lowest price possible. i guess that's y, from what ive heard, apple and sony are the best cause they dont allow for haggling or giving of alot of freebies. i really pei4 fu2 those who have been able to withstand all that nonsense, and stil be able to earn 1k plus. so far, i have only known 3 guys who have been able to do that. is it true that most super-earners in IT show are guys? maybe it's cause they are able to stand their ground more? rar. i dont get it.

seriously, i dont understand why the government refuses to implement a minimum wage rate. look at what we are being paid in singapore. as compared to in australia or US. and dont come and tell me that 'we are very fortunate already. other places like china blah blah blah.' im comparing a supposed 'first rate country' with another first rate country.

today i had to go grocery shopping cause i have been procrastinating in doing so, resulting in an empty fridge until this afternoon. bought like $100 plus worth. phew. thought it was gonna be 200 plus with the amount of food i thought i bought. hehh. went to amk hub the ntuc, then, goodness, so many grandmothers and mothers. look like typical singaporeans; rushing to buy food, tear the plastic out like free water liddat, rush to sample food... sigh. will we ever be a gracious nation. then, i was like thinking 'i feel so old...' fwahahhaa. if i ever were to be a mother, i wanna be a hip mother!! die die also cannot look auntie. HAHAHAA.

but i think i acutally like to buy food myself. everytime my mum buys food, i dont eat it. neither do my siblings, for that matter. well, we cant expect her to always know what we eat. but she keeps buying meat. and me and my sister are 99% vegeterian. i think i should do the shopping from now on. can buy stuff using parents' money. hehh.

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accounts was crap. not enough time. my results are gonna be so borderline. honestly im not expecting much from my results, after having gone through half a year already. so messed up.

on a lighter note. i found myself a new crush. introducing the asus eee pc. i have seriously lost count of the number of articles ive read on it. i started having this obsession with ultra-portables ever since my 1.8kg laptop took it's toll on me. the eee pc is like a dream come true. most of the other umpcs are over 1k. this baby is only $600. maybe i shall sell off my bro's xbox to fund my eee pc. lolx. my previous crushes were the Toshiba R500 and Vaio LZ series. but all above 1.5k. toshiba is near 4k. eee is like a dream come true. woohoo.

ok back from computer land. i must get a job.. i really need/want the eee manz. hahaha. darn this soft spot for miniature-ness and convenience. hope to get a reply for the sony job by next wk. i need to earn my expenses. not that i have been spending on anything anyways. haha.

oh anw. my comex pay had came quite some time ago liao. only $320 for the 4 days i was there. but at least i got 100% of the commission i was supposed to get. cause prices are sort of up to our discretion to give. and sometimes commission can be less than the standard amt, if you shoot yrself in the foot and quote a low price just to get a sale. apparently my friend who works for p. bell didnt get much more than me either. i thought he'd get $800 plus, but it was only $100 more than me. comex seems like a budget IT show. cause mostly only low end models were sold this time.

seriously thinking of transferring to wordpress. cause everything i publish can be googled. change url again? people will kill me. dunno how many times ive changed url le. haha.

my fridge is so empty. cause my family is in nz so i hv to stock up myself. shall go tmr i guess. but it's depavali so im scared there'll be alot of pple. my fam's coming back next wed. i shall miss the peace of the house. no parents shouting. no uptight mum. i think it's cause of her that i have developed an irritation for people who sound gan jiong when they talk. i hope i dont sound like that. cause i have not felt an inkling of stress ever since i-dunno-when. but just put me in a room with a person who sounds/acts like the sky is falling down because of a project or homework, and i'll lose it. i'll get uptight as well. which is pretty much what happened today.

great. it's 2am and i havent slept. how come i can blog so much arh. lol.

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didnt study my queries well. which was 40%. goodness.

when i was waiting for the bus after itab, suddenly it hit me that itab ica was over. and that i was on my way home already. how fast. it's so scarily fast.

im really really sick and tired of studying. i cant even begin to describe how nauseous i get when i think that i have to memorise some chunk of crap which i wont even be using in the future. and how much this chunk of crap makes a difference in my education level, hence possibly my life. for once in nearly my entire life, i crammed 1 hour of stats for tmr. and i think it is more effective. but this kind of last min cramming is not good for the heart. could totally feel my pulse race. but like i said. im sick of studying.

it's just weird how the body manages to adapt to changing environments. changing emotional or physical environments.

40 more mins of stats in the mrt, then it's off to the paper for me.

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basically have this nauseous feeling about everything. just plain sick of feeling like this all the time. i wish that this and that didnt happen. everything happens for a reason. fuck life. it's pointless to live.

and at the same time while im saying this, i know it's so wrong. there are people who are worse off. i just need a breakthrough. but after every breakthrough, comes a period of drought.

i dont want to see the light of day again. i dont want to wake up and realise that i have stats to take. let the world carry on without me. God, pull me through. give me a reason to live in this messed up *-hole that im in.

i want peace. i dont want enemies. i want everything to be the way it was like before. before life got worse and worse with each living day.

that being said. im sorry for whatever wrong ive done to any of you. when i hurt someone who is close to me, i think about it alot, and can never really face the person without feeling a tinge of guilt again. self-forgiveness is something i have to learn. otherwise, i'll be stuck in the past for a long time. but for now, i do apologise for whatever wrong ive done.

it doesnt mean i'll never be wrong again. just hope you guys would understand.

yet, thank you to those who have treated my mistakes as nothing but mistakes. for understanding that we are not perfect, and never will be. for a reason, i have an obsession with perfection. because of the plain fact that it's hard for me to forgive myself when somebody is angry because of me. that's why i love solitude.

well. enough said. all the best for mst. the jc people had their time of mugging. now it's our turn.

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cip at hougang today. shenghong family centre. basically alot learnt, alot time spent, tired.

today felt like crescent reunion. cause nj council was there doing the cip as well. at first we were looking at each other like stray cats. LOL. like, wondering what school the other party is from. so in the morning i met miao qun, my sec3/4 classmate. then mel, my sec 1/2+dance mate came in the afternoon. caught up with mel for a while, while we were being bored at like, 5.30. jc still manages to sound as hiong as i know it is. and i could see mel trying to find things to be busy about. hahahaha.

then i saw two other crescentians who were in nj council. so many crescentians in council. goodness. mel told me that the rest were also complaining that it was very boring. and it really was. from 10 to 6 we were almost nearly doing nothing. walking here and there, trying to find minuscule stuff to fuss over.

oh when i went back, i realised i could have taken 53 there. goodness. i actually took a bus to serangoon mrt, sr mrt to kovan, then a bus from kovan to there. waste money. lol.

oh anyways. this cip is actually for a live band concert from 6 to 10. and they're not bad, actually.

feeling weird about some stuff. wondering why this can even be considered as cip. when our help was not really necessary, and when they probably could have handled this by themselves. maybe.

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just got off facebook. woo there were so many things going on that i just went blur and closed the window. so except for accepting friends, i don think i will be playing around will the apps that much. i can see why it's the no. 1 time waster already; and can predict myself losing control of the time once i start looking around. hahaah..

an update of my life: sleep, eat, study, watch tv, sleep, study, sleep. something like that. could life get any more boring? tmr is the cip thing; but id prefer staying at home. actually i really cant study. it's a miracle how ive managed to force myself to stuff accounts into my head. most of the time im just sitting and staring at the book/papers, trying to figure out why it's like that. i truely am sick of studying. i wonder who still has the drive to do so. i can cite burnout as an excuse, but so can many other people. im just feeling that it's so meaningless to continue studying something you probably wouldnt be using next time in your life. maybe give an example; how many of us will even be using accounts in our daily life? maybe for good financial control, yeah. but for that, you dont really need to know how to do general journals and ledgers, do you.

that being said, most of the time, 99.99% of what we learn, we will not use in our jobs. why even study then. it's just something we go thru to prove our mental capability. i really dont know how im going to get through 5 more years of education; assuming that i will be going to uni.

it's only been a day and my sp email account suddenly has 7 unread emails. siao-ness.

i was just wondering; am i weak? sometimes i think i am. i could never sit in a room and mug an entire day like amanda. hahahahaha. taking her as an example again!! hehe. well dont think she has the time to read my blog anyways. hehe. that girl; she can just study study and study. hahaha. while i cant so much as stick myself on my chair for 45 mins without going outside and switching on the tv. HEH. but anyway, there's such a thing called optimal absorption period of time right.

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